Loras + Renly - manscaping

Game of Thrones...episode 5...

I decided that the best way to review episode five of A Game of Thrones would be to outline the most enjoyable moments progressing through to the least enjoyable and, in fact, slightly disturbing moments. Warning...I once again am being rather long-winded...you know how I get. Don't say you weren't forewarned.

1. How can you possibly top the Loras/Renly scene. Ser Loras seductively manscaping Renly followed by their suggested sex scene. Scary but true, this was arguably the most genuinely romantic sex scene in the series so far...no prostitutes, no incest, no suggested rape, no doggie style sex...heck, it was rather tame by Game of Thrones standards. This scene was not actually in the book. It did give me quite a chuckle to read through all the tweets from people who have read the books and yet completely missed the Loras/Renly overtures *epic fail* I, like a zillion fangirls (and boys) and fanfic writers galore are in debt to the show's writers for adding it in. A dream come true for Loras/Renly shippers. Important to note that this scene did help advance the plot...really...it did...I swear. Just curious though, did Loras ever get around to shaving Renly's other armpit? I think they must revisit this scene as a resolution to that question is quite essential for further, ahem, 'plot development'.

2. "I am no Ser' - The finale to the jousting tournament. The grand arrival of Ser Loras, the Knight of the Flowers, the pretty boy, teen idol of Westeros. What does Loras do upon his entry to the tourney? He presents his favor to the lovely Sansa Stark....all the while having eyesex with Renly who sits behind her. Loras unseats the dreaded Gregor Clegane in the joust and Ser Gregor is none-too-pleased. He goes beserk on Loras who can only be saved by the intervention of Gregor's baby bro...Sandor Clegane. Brilliant fight choreography ensues culminating with the moment when King Roberts orders them to stop...the Hound takes to his knee in homage to the KIng as Gregor's sword sweeps over where Sandor's head was just a moment before. Clearly no love lost between these two brothers. Gregor stomps off disgruntled  while Sandor is praised as the champion of the day. And who is it that Lady Sansa applauds? Is it Loras...or is really Sandor? This scene also provided a lovely opportunity for Littlefinger to "out" Renly...I'm certain Renly won't let Littlefinger live that one down. 

3. Anytime Tyrion opens his mouth. Basically I just wait for Tyrion to speak...I expect no less than utter brilliance to emanate. I think my fave line from this ep came after he discovered he was being taken to the Eyrie rather than Winterfell to visit Cat's sister Lysa Tully. He warns Cat that Lysa 'has changed since you last saw her'..."She was always a bit touched, but now, you may as well just kill me here." Great foreshadowing for Lysa's first scene. In the subsequent scene, after the clan attack, Bronn tells Tyrion "You need a woman, nothing like a woman after a fight." Tyrion looks at Cat, "I'm willing if she is"...OH SNAP..LOL. And this is just Book One Tyrion...he's only getting started....

4. Robert's mocking of Lancel Lannister. I can't get enough. I know it's mean and cruel but it's just so funny to watch. Sorry Lancel but you really are a total tool. In this ep, squire Lancel is preparing/grooming Robert for the joust. After what we can assume are several unsuccessful attempts at donning Robert in his breastplate Lancel exclaims "it's too small, your Grace". An angry Robert lashes back in frustration by insulting Lancel's mother. Meanwhile Ned arrives and plainly states to Robert that "you're too fat for your armour"...to which Robert eventually laughs. Lancel joins them in their mutual laughter however Robert turns to Lancel angrily asking him if the thinks that was meant to be funny. Paranoid Lancel of course says no. Robert retorts by then saying "what you think the Hand's joke isn't funny?" Poor stressed Lancel. Too make matters worse Robert, in feigned command, orders Lancel to "go get the  breastplate stretcher"...Lancel scampers off like a mouse to do the King's bidding and search for this non-existent 'breastplate stretcher' OMG ROTFLMAO. I don't know how the actors can keep a straight face. Poor Lancel...I guess he'll have his day soon enough

5. Arya overhears the plotting of Varys and Illyrio followed by her telling off the King's Landing guards when they refuse to let her back into the citadel. BADASS. If she was running the Stark family none of this s**t would be happening. This is all.

6. Varys and Littlefinger match wits. Yes this may be a "game of thrones" but it's really Varys and Littlefingers who are the true power brokers dueling for superiority behind the scenes. Here they are both at their very best matching wits and verbally sparring in a game of one-upsmanship. Never has duplicity been so eloquent.

7. No Dothraki...you'd think this was a bad thing as I generally enjoy a good Dothraki wedding scene along with a few whacky Viserys moments. Ah well, I guess he would have been overshadowed by a few other 'eccentricities' this time round. In a way I prefer NOT seeing what is going on across the Narrow Sea since, to be quite frank, there really isn't anything going on. Don't bother going there unless you need to.

8. In what should have been a scene that I loved, this one actually turned out to be sheer frustration: Ned stands up to Robert and resigns his post as Hand of the King. Damned Ned, why'd you have to be so perfect? Your morals and standards are way too high for this place and alas it will be your downfall. They are clouding your judgement. Think about it, your wife just captured the Queen's brother labeling him a murderer. Do you really think NOW is good time to get in an argument with the King and risk making him your enemy? Besides, there is some merit in Robert's plan...if you can look past the immorality of it all. Of course you can't though...you wouldn't be Ned Stark if you did. Sad but true. Your days are numbered :( BTW, it must be duly noted that Sean Bean is about as good as it gets when it comes to acting. Everyone is lauding Peter Dinklage to take the Emmy for his role as Tyrion...but have they been watching Sean as Ned? Hold off on promoting Tyrion till next season..his part gets even juicier as the series progresses. Ned's moment is now and Sean Bean is simply dominating.

9. Jaime attacks Ned and kills his men. 'Cause we already loathe Jaime so why not make him even more despicable? Sure...why not? And hey, have him kill off Ned's fav Jory Cassel in a most grievous manner. I'm beginning to fear that EVIL Jaime will never be able to redeem himself...first he pushes an innocent boy out a window and now he obliterates the 'good guys'. It will be difficult but mark my worlds, you will like if not love Jaime by the end of this series. Even now in all this nastiness a bit of GOOD Jaime comes through. Once Ned is injured with a spear to his leg, Jaime whacks the guard who did the deed. Why? Well to Jaime that action would have been disrespectful on so many levels. First, the eminent Ned Stark did not deserve to be injured/struck by anyone beneath his own ranking. Second, he stabbed Ned from behind...somewhat cowardly. Finally, and most importantly, this was Jaime's battle - he chose to fight Ned - and Jaime would never let anyone else fight his own battles for him. *sigh* I understand Jaime, it's so difficult to find good help these days...

10. The Sky Cells - OMFG scary...they don't call this place the EEEEEEERIE for nothing. OK I know its the Eyrie but still, you get the point. Book Eyrie was terrifying, series Eyrie is just as bad if not worse. Ahhhh get me outta this crazy place...(and yet I still manage to find the Eyrie itself to be breathtakingly beautiful...a castle in the in arguably the prettiest, and thankfully, the most remote region of Westeros). I only wish they could have shown a bit more of the treacherous journey to reach the summit. That in itself is just as spine-chilling if not more so than the actual sky cells. Can't wait till we see the Moon Door.

11. Loony Lysa and her son Rob(in) Arryn. Catelyn's party is taken into the court of the Eyrie to be 'greeted' by the rulers of the Vale of Arryn - her sister, the paranoid, insane Lysa Tully who we see seated on the weirwood throne beside her feeble son of five possibly six or seven or eight, who knows how much they decided to age him for the series? Rob(in) Arryn who is, wait for it, breastfeeding while seated with mommy dearest. O_O Yes folks, that scene is straight from the book...sad but true. I thought they might cut it but nope. I'm just glad I knew it was coming is all I can say. If you haven't watched it yet pay close attention to the reactions of Tyrion and Cat during this scene as they try to maintain their composure and are yet completely awestruck by the spectacle before their eyes. "Mommy, I want to see the bad man fly"...that in itself cannot be a good sign. Oh creepy, creepy kid in a Damien-from-the-Omen sort of way. If we make it to season four I'm certain he'll be giving me nightmares. Love how Lysa's guards just stand around all aloof and impassive like...no, no, nothing unusual going on here, ho hum, just another fun day in the Eyrie.

12. Horse decapitation at the joust...yikes, PETA will be all over Gregor Clegane's ass for that one.

13. NO JON SNOW...And apparently no Jon Snow next week either...THE FUCK???? :( Unlike the Dothraki, Jon Snow ALWAYS has a reason to be on this show...even if he is only glancing off into the distance from the watchtower or cleaning up the mess hall...there can never be enough Jon Snow. There is no excuse for his absence. PERIOD. *so speaketh the fangirl*

14. Beyond a shadow of a doubt the most horrid, most annoying, most disturbing and least enjoyable scene of episode five = Theon Greyjoy full frontal nudity. OK really, of the bajillion hot guys/characters on this show, and given all the perpetual sex they seem to be having unless they are up at The Wall, and I'm not even asking what really goes on there, you choose Theon Greyjoy for the nude scene. EPIC FAIL I feel so sorry for Roz - she could have had Jon Snow and she gets stuck with this nitwit instead. Apologies to the actor who is portraying Theon...you are doing a lovely job and are not at all unattractive, it's just I find Theon Greyjoy repulsive. He is the "Juan Borgia" of Westeros. Uggh. Can we please just go back to item #1..now THAT I would like to see...on repeat mode if possible.

IMHO, that was the best episode of the season so far. In my post next week re: GoT episode six I plan to include a compilation of my fav tweets regarding the episode. For now, here is a preview of episode six, entitled "A Golden Crown"...presumably that means Viserys will finally become king...more or less...*evil grin*....


P.S. If anyone needs some Game of Thrones animated icons, check out this LJ post/community. It pretty much made my day and made me extremely happy that I have so many userpic spaces to fill :)
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Episode 5 was the best yet, even though Jo Snow and the Dothraki were not in it. The manscaping scene was a real eye-catcher for sure. And not the only eye-catching scene in the episode.

My love for Tyrion grows.

Also my love for Ned, yet I have this odd sense of doom about him. That may be due to the foreshadowing that has taken place, though. I have not yet read the books (although I just got an email from amazon.ca today that they have been shipped to me, so they should arrive tomorrow). And for Arya, and Cat...

Jaime may be beginning to redeem himself a little bit, but to me he is still an evil character. I missed Frodo Jon Snow and his Sam in this episode...but the other character were more than enough to keep me glued to the screen.

Nice clip teaser for episode 6! I can't wait. Looks foreboding... :P

Btw, have I mentioned that these reviews of yours are excellent? I enjoy reading them every week. It took me so long to respond to this one because I had to wait for a time when I was not too busy (off work today) and could rewatch GoT on Rogers On Demand, then reread your review and watch the trailer for next time. :)

After watching episodes 6 and 7 I still think 5 was the best so far. Tyrion is such a character. I can't imagine anyone NOT liking him. He would be the guy you want to be in your circle of close friends...what a laugh, he'd make everything so much fun.

I'm glad you like my comments. I don't like to think of them as reviews as much as personal reflections on the show. I find myself analyzing the show based on my reactions - how I remember the scenes as I read them in the book; my reactions then vs how I react to seeing it on screen. It's amazing how close they are staying to the book (or at least the way I remember it to be). I'm glad you are enjoying the books and the series. It is always nice to have someone to discuss it with.
Yes, Episode 5 was the best for me too, and the most balanced. Through the Tyrion character, so much is being explained about what's going on because he is so introspective. Martin does this very well. Instead of endless, tedious battle scene descriptions, he has these unique ways of making them interesting. The whole thing with the wildfire and the long metal chain was brilliant. When Tyrion was ordering these things, I thought, "WTF?" but when they're finally explained so I could see what they were for, and it made the battle scene much more suspeneful and exciting. I also love Tyrion's exchanges with Varys, and how he is able to analyze what he is saying and decipher what hereally means. Such an entertaining guy.

It's great to have someone to discuss GoT with! I hope I will have time to write down my thoughts as well, especially now that I know what's ahead in the series. It will be extremely difficult to have to wait for the next TV adaptation. BTW, I have already pre-ordered Book Five from amazon.ca. It will be shipped on July 22nd, I believe. I can't believe how lucky I am to be able to continue reading when I finish the fourth book. :)